All Of The Feelings


I bet you all have been thinking, 'wow. Megan hasn't talked about her feelings in awhile'. Where's the crying in bars?  Where's the meowing?  I mean...could she possibly be turning into a well adjusted adult?  Nope. 

I am having all of the feelings. 

I figure, what's better than 'writing it out'?!

I hesitate to write about work in this lovely space. Which may seem incredibly stupid considering it's all I actually seem to write about. In all honesty though, I keep lots of important details to what ship I'm actually on...who my employment agency is...etc.  This is going to be an incredibly vague post, and for that I apologize greatly. 

When my ship was reflagged I struggled to find a new guys know this part. I looked high and low...and some may argue that I could have looked lower but, really?!  Who wants to look lower?!  

What I discovered when I was ship-less was that I had no seniority. I had been working for a company for years - they had no ship for me. I had been in the same group of people looking for work since I graduated (ahem, nine years ago). They too had no ship for me. 

I felt like I was on a fast track. I had been moving up right on schedule throughout my career. I really and truly thought there'd be a captains job for me in the next 1.5 years. 

Instead of looking lower and instead of borrowing money I made a drastic change.  I moved somewhere I felt I could build seniority.

When I lost my ship - and realized I had no seniority - it was almost sad to get my Captains license.

I shipped out as Second Mate. I'm happy to be here and lucky for me I've always enjoyed this position. I enjoy being the navigator. Not having to listen to bitching sailors and overtime disputes first thing in the morning as Chief Mate...I don't miss that. 

Except. You knew there was a but. 

I feel like I'm going backwards. It feels like everything I busted ass for just flew out the door. It's gone. I'm back to square one. 

Here I am, essentially starting over at the exact moment I've hit my ultimate goal. Where's the fanfare?  Where's the red carpet?  Where's the golden egg?

I know what you're thinking. You're young!  You've got tons of time ahead of you!  You're right...and sure, I'll sail Chief Mate again...and sure maybe even Captain. Except that's probably now years in the making. 

Here's what it truly boils down to. I'm a lady sailor. It's hard not to feel like my time at sea has an expiration date. Years in the making?  That would have worked just fine for me....five years ago. 

There's nothing to be done about it. Curve ball. So, I'll just enjoy my time. Hard to complain about cruising up the Yangtze River and eating Soba in Okinawa. What else is life but an adventure?