Yesterday I got off watch feeling defeated - the last port call was a doozy and it left me feeling frustrated. At times, this can be a thankless job. Rarely do people (meaning office personnel or customers) care what it takes to get the job done - they just want it done. Getting the cargo safely loaded felt like a huge success. There were challenges - we overcame them! There were times when it didn't look like it would happen - we got past them! We did it! When we left port, all I heard about were the shortcomings of the evolution. Where were my pats on the back?! Where were my 'ataboys?! Where was my simple, 'thank you'?!
I'm finding it difficult managing all the 'little things'. It's easy to focus on the BIG picture. Move the cargo on and off. Don't let anyone get hurt. It's not so easy managing all the other stuff. Did so and so get to eat yet? Did the Mate on Watch remember to grab the garbage receipt? Have I written Night Orders?
I figured that the only way to get over my Mad On was to take a walk. A nice brisk walk about the deck with my iPod blaring some good 'ole Nicki Minaj. (I love me some Nicki Minaj...) As you all know, I pretend sometimes that my life is a musical and that it comes with a soundtrack.
When FLY came on, it was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe it was the shark reference but, when this song started all I could think about was our Nautie Book selection UNBROKEN.....and what a baby I was being.
Check out these lyrics:
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly I wish today it will rain all day Maybe that will kinda make the pain go away Trying to forgive you for abandoning me Praying but I think I'm still an angel away Angel away, yeah strange in a way Maybe that is why I chase strangers away They got their guns out aiming at me But I become Neo when they're aiming at me Me, me, me against them Me against enemies, me against friends Somehow they both seem to become one A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood They start coming and I start rising Must be surprising, I'm just surmising I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher More fire I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly
Everybody wanna try to box me in Suffocating every time it locks me in Paint their own pictures then they crop me in But I will remain where the top begins Cause I am not a word, I am not a line I am not a girl that can ever be defined I am not fly, I am levitation I represent an entire generation I hear the criticism loud and clear That is how I know that the time is near So we become alive in a time of fear And I ain't got no mothereffin’ time to spare Cry my eyes out for days upon days Such a heavy burden placed upon me But when you go hard your nay's become yay's Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's
I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly
Get ready for it Get ready for it Get ready for it I came to win
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly
Why does anyone owe me a thank you? For overcoming an obstacle? For becoming stronger and more capable?
When I arrive on a vessel I should come knowing that my only goal is to thrive, to conquer, to survive. Because truly, when you go hard your nay's become yay's.
This much I know is true (Imagine I'm Oprah when I say that)...I get stronger everyday. As lame as that sounds, I honestly get stronger every single freakin' day.
I realize picking up heavy lifts doesn't scream, 'sage life lessons learned' but, if I learned even just one thing during this last evolution I'm a little bit stronger. Okay fine, maybe 'stronger' isn't even the right word. Maybe I'm a little bit more experienced, maybe I'm a little bit more confident, maybe I'm a little bit more patient. Any way you look at it, I'll be better the next time.
I don't know about you but, this more than anything is what I took away from UNBROKEN. The fact that we can survive - can thrive - can prosper - against all odds.
Laura Hillenbrand says of Louie, “His conviction that everything happened for a reason, and would come to good, gave him laughing equanimity even in hard times.”.
Isn't that just the truth? It reminds me of one of my all time favorite quotes. Attitude: The difference between adventure and ordeal.
Alright fine...this post was a little all over the place BUT, what I'm trying to say is this:
This shit is freakin' hard. Which means I've been working hard. Working hard doesn't mean anyone owes you anything. In fact, the option always remains to work even harder because when you go hard your nay's become yay's. Don't forget, this hard thing might be exactly what you need.
At the end of the day it all boils down to this:
I will remain where the top begins Cause I am not a word, I am not a line I am not a girl that can ever be defined I am not fly, I am levitation I represent an entire generation I hear the criticism loud and clear That is how I know that the time is near So we become alive in a time of fear And I ain't got no mothereffin’ time to spare