Let's just talk about blogs for a second. I mean, really think about the overall concept. Sometimes when I think about what's really going on here I find it very, very strange. Sometimes I have incredibly cynical feelings about myself and the blog. It almost feels like I've detached from myself (and from the blog) and am look at myself from a different angle - or maybe even from above - and I'll think, 'why am I doing this?!'.
I'm sitting here, and I haven't written in a month. I have guilt. Like genuine, bonafide guilt. When I try to analyze the why I can't put my finger on it. I've let my readers down? Maybe. Could be valid. But, let's be honest and admit I know almost every single one of you.
I got a text message last night from a friend pointing out that I hadn't been writing. I wasn't lying when I said it's been stressing me out!
Here's the thing. There's all this stuff that I want to talk about. There are all the moments of every day life that I think about sharing. There's the real talk. The best parts of life that are hard and great at the same time -the family - the friends - the time - the money - the job. Then I start to think, 'why the heck are you posting this on the internet?!'.
I often wonder if my blog is innately narcissistic. I have this place on the internet where I write about myself - then I hope people read about it. What I keep coming back to is that it's only narcissistic when I'm not 'keeping it real'. When I'm only sharing the good. When I'm styling photos. When I'm glossing over the not so amazing details.
You know what's hard about 'keeping it real'? It makes you vulnerable. Truth.
I invariably find myself going back to the big question of, 'why the heck are you posting this on the internet?!'. I mean, sure, vulnerability is part of our human experience but, does it have to happen online? Because, lets be clear: once it's posted, it's there forever. There are no 'take backs' online.
I think the reason I struggle with this is because I'm naturally an oversharer. For example, I'll tell you that I tripped down the stairs and showed my panties to the world. I could hold it in but, I rarely do. The thing is, if I had held it in then it would mean only 10 people know my panties were exposed - not 100.
Where's the line? When do you make yourself vulnerable and when do you hold it in? When I wrote a post on writing and feelings I shared a quote by Brené Brown, 'I don't share anything until my healing and growth is no longer dependent on the reaction to it'. I started to share some essays I had written during a rough time. But then I started to second guess myself. Am I over it? Am I no longer dependent on the reaction? Have I grown?
Yesterday, I was prepping vegetables in the kitchen and a song I loved came on. I started to spontaneously dance. Like drop what I'm doing and break it down in the kitchen. I whipped out my phone and I took a photo of my counter. It was a disaster and it totally cracked me up. I thought, 'maybe I'll post this on the blog'.
Narcissism? Oversharing? Vulnerability? Maybe a little of all three? But also, my love of this little space I've created on the internet. My love of my Nautie Friends. My love of writing. My love of photography. My love of a tiny dose of creativity. It's my moment of zen.
All this to say, I know this place is gathering cob webs. It won't be forever. In fact, I think I'll start dusting them off.